“I envy your life” is a statement I have heard a couple of times. Yes, someone’s life might seem all rosy and perfect from the outside, the thousand watts smile they always seem to have when you see them might give you the illusion that everything is okay, but, you never know what people are carrying around or what they have to live with.
I have had it good and cannot even complain. I have parents who love me so much and bother about everything concerning me. I think that comes with the territory of being an only child but at the same time, it is not every only child that gets the kind of life I have had. Don’t get it wrong, I have been given everything I need and not everything I want. My parents have done their very best, sent me to the best of schools, given me things they had to deny themselves of other pleasures of life, and I am forever grateful and indebted to them for that.
It is as a result of this I don’t know how to tell them I don’t think marriage is for me. Have I loved? Yes I have. Have I been hurt? Yes I have been. Have I let go of the hurt? Yes I have. I think I have let go of the hurt but every time things seem to get really serious with a lady, I get that feeling of deja vu.
Sometimes, I think it is the fear of commitment or maybe it is because I am afraid my monster will resurface, or is it because of the various experiences I have heard and witnessed. Experiences of how ladies have treated the guy they were dating. They say not everyone is the same and I believe that, but right now it looks bleak. How does one even know what it feels like when you are with the right person? I might have had that feeling with the first girl I loved, though we destroyed what we had with her infidelity and my anger. I really should not have hit her even though she had cheated on me thrice. I was young, naïve and stupid.
I am not one to talk about my feelings, I communicate better through writing and she understood that. She made us keep a journal. Yes, we were young, but we had this dream of where we wanted to end up. It was clear and I plugged into it. Even after the break-up, a part of me still felt we could have it.
I withdrew after that and I have found it easier talking to a lady and confiding in her when she was just my friend than when we got serious. It feels weird. If I was able to talk to you as a friend, I should talk more to you when we get serious. It is the opposite. I close up and ladies I have gotten close to have complained about it. Am I damaged? Have I really let go? Am I deceiving myself that I have?
Have I missed out on the love of my life because of my temper or my impatience? I guess the impatient part is a story for another day. Right now, I feel confused because soon the questions about who the “lucky girl” is will spring up. How I will handle it I have no idea.
It is not like there are no women in my life, there are, I just don’t see that future yet. I just don’t see the potentials yet. One feels I am too closed and my laid back approach is a problem for her, the other I feel I can always talk to is from another faith and I am sure my parents would have a problem with that. I don’t want to be the heart-breaker but it seems to be a tag hanging over my head. I have started things and choked midway because I just could not see any future there.
I once read that you don’t have to get married to fulfil your destiny. I agree with that but well, I do not want to be selfish to those who sacrificed everything just to get me to where I am. They gave me a listening ear and it is why I have a voice today.
Would it be right to hurt them with that voice they gave me?