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Monthly Archives: October 2011

Dear Future Husband

My very good friend @jeunebelle even though she doesn’t have a blog wrote this as a response to my letter.

DISCLAIMER: This post is the mischievous work of my imagination. However, it may or may not express my true opinions.

#NoteToSelf In your next life try not to be the last child.

After marrying off 3 daughters and helping 2 sons get wives my family seems to be excited about the grande finale. So much advice, I figure the best bet is to enter into a contract or remain single. This is my counter offer to the draft of an agreement I stumbled upon.

Dear Future Husband,
I know you are somewhere out there trying to become the man you think will deserve me. I’ll be rooting for you from here. Hopefully you get to read this because it will help you understand how best to keep us both happy. Here are my thoughts.
1.Thou Shall Know How to Cook

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well seeing as you know how to cook that will be a piece of cake as you will cook the meals and I will serve them. That’s an easier way of getting into your heart. So worry not. We have no need for fast foods. I would not mind breakfast in bed, I will compensate you with dinner in bed!

2. Thou Shall Give Head

You may or may not be on Twitter. This issue however has been over flogged there. And we women have let it be known that the number ’69’ will never be just a number again. You will have your head as long as I get mine first. We will definitely take the edge off. Do not worry, I will definitely take a bath too.

3. Thou Shall Not Tie Wrapper in My House.

I do not like wrappers and I am most happy in my shorts and tank tops.I am comfortable with my sexuality and if walking around in my nudity would serve a good purpose I would not refrain from doing just that.

4.Thou Shall Have Something Doing

This is a given. I am too driven and ambitious to seat at home and take care of you and our children. I am glad we agree on this. However I most probably will be wealthier than you will be. I hope you will be able to handle that!

5.Thou Shall Be A Fan of Man Utd (or at least football)

I am not only a football fan but an avid Manchester United fan. This is good for business seeing as if we mistakenly get whooped again we would best know how to console each other.

6. Thou Shall Tell Me What I Have Done Wrong or At Least Give Hint

For expensive gifts, trust me when I say I will not let any wrong of yours go unnoticed. Just do not call me a nag because its what you want and the gifts ensure swift forgiveness and that will ensure less problems. However I want you to note the word ‘expensive’ because I can buy myself credit and Man Utd jerseys.

Finally, I do not want the same fabrics. Similar colour schemes will be just fine thank you. I stopped wearing uniform in secondary school.
I hope we now understand each other. I have dumped my boyfriend and I hope you have severed all unholy ties that we may begin our journey.
And finally, remember that if you go broke I’ll go to a divorce lawyer.
Yours Sincerely,
Your Wife.

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5 Comments

Posted by on October 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Dear Future Wife

DISCLAIMER: This post is the mischievous work of my imagination. However, it may or may not express my true opinions.

#NoteToSelf In your next life try not to be the only child.

The idea of me getting married has been thrown around my house one too many times in the past few months. The whole talk of you do not marry because of beauty,(Guess they will not mind me marrying a Gorilla) blah,blah,blah. I sat down (or did I?) to think about those things I may or may not want from my future wife.

Dear Future Wife,
I know you are somewhere, with someone, busy and trying to be the best at what you do and leave your footprints in the sand of time(I hope you want this). Hopefully you get to read this because it may as well prepare you for our life together. Here are some of the things I expect of you.
1.Thou Shall Know How to Cook

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach(weird). You need to know how to cook. It is as complusory as the air we breath. I cannot imagine us having to live on fast food or mama put.You are at risk of losing me to a woman who can cook if you cannot.

2. Thou Shall Give Head

You may or may not be on Twitter. This issue however has been overflogged there. You really need to know how to give head.It makes sex more interesting for us.Its for those days we are tired and do not want to go through the rigour of thrusting in and out but we just want to take the edge off. Do not worry, I will definitely take a bath before you do such and I will return the favour.

3. Thou Shall Not Tie Wrapper in My House.

I know it seems cool to tie wrapper because you have seen your mum do it or your elder ones, maybe your aunties but that is not going to happen in our house. The wrapper apart from hiding that wonderful body of yours, kills my libido as it will only remind me of old women. Bum shorts with tank tops, bikini are highly welcome and so is walking nude round the house(till we have kids).

4.Thou Shall Have Something Doing

God created woman to be a helping hand. This makes you an asset and not a liability. Due to this you can forget about been a housewife. If that was ever your plan,kindly draw up another one. No matter how rich I am, you must have something doing.

5.Thou Shall Be A Fan of Man Utd (or at least football)

Just as I know I have shown interest in things you do(which I see as crap) please try and understand the game of football. This way if my team loses(1-6 aint gonna happen ever again) you will understand why I am down and cheer me up instead of saying its just a game. You being a Man Utd fan will the icing on the cake.

6. Thou Shall Tell Me What I Have Done Wrong or At Least Give Hint

I am not perfect(neither are you) and therefore from time to time I will annoy you or do something to annoy you. Instead of squeezing your face and giving me mono-syllabic replies or silent treatment, please just tell me what I have done. By doing so, I will make it up to you fast and with an expensive gift and move on, instead of making both of us sad.

Finally, there is no crime in us buying a material and sewing it. The crime is in us wearing it at the same time.We are married and not school children neither are we blind. You re to simply wow with your dressing.
Let me not chase you away, we will talk about things better when we eventually meet. Then, we will understand better. Incase you are dating any guy that is not me, kindly dump him fast and make yourself available for me to woo.
Yours Sincerely,
Your Husband.

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9 Comments

Posted by on October 25, 2011 in Rants

 

Weaker Sex? (2)

Everyone sighed.
The man was asked to leave the stage as the band came on again to entertain the crowd. Some people were dancing on their seat while others were on their feet. The band played for about fifteen minutes. There was a round of applause for them as they left the stage.
The man who had been on stage before was about coming back on, when a woman shouted at him “you are just greedy” she shouted.
“Your time is up” snarled a man
“He wants a second term” said the old man in the corner.
“Just like our politicians” the bartender replied.
The crowd roared in laughter.
The old man in the corner decided to come on stage.
“Out of respect for you, I shall keep the flag flying” he said to the man who had been on stage.
“I am sure we all heard about the varsity rape incident” the old man continued.
“Yes” responded the crowd.
“What has been done about it?”asked a woman.
“Nothing” the crowd replied.
“Are we sure it was rape?” the bartender queried
“Even if it was not rape the police should have done a thorough investigation. The Governor of the state even denied the incident ever taking place in the state.” replied the old man.
“I heard two out of the five suspects were arrested” a woman said.
“They were released as the police did not have enough evidence. Even they had conducted a thorough investigation they will have found something” said the man who had been on stage.
“The poor girl is somewhere trying to cope with the trauma. She is scarred for life” the man continued.
“All we want is justice”screamed a woman
” The case has been swept under the rug like every case that involves the masses. Such is the fate of the masses when it comes to justice been served in this nation.”the old man added.
The old man continued “the men who perpetrated this act roam the streets like nothing has happened and lying in wait for their next unsuspecting victim.The Senate keeps revising the constitution and clauses have not been introduced to better protect women”
“What is the solution?” a woman asked
“There is no solution to violence. It can only be curbed. The government should enlighten the populace as to why women should not be looked down upon. They should discourage gender discrimination, impose stricter penalties when violent acts are committed against women.”
Suddenly, the bar went dark. There was a blackout and the rickety generator the bar used as a back-up refused to come on. The madam broke the news to the disgruntled customers and finally added “next month is another time”.

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2 Comments

Posted by on October 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Caution, Caution, Caution!!!

I followed you out of my quest to know more and of course catch fun at the same time. I saw one of my friends @Roteame reply to some of your questions on my timeline. It made a whole lot of sense to me. Tweets in form of questions about a particular state for the whole day was so much fun.It made followers juggle their brain and I thought it was creative. The respect automatically followed. You were calm then. You had not lost your head. You picked up fights with some people and the most publicised more been that with @Gbagaundetector. It is normal for people to quarrel. We agree. Tweeps made some comments about you, about how much you tweet, your claims of working with an oil company and yet tweeting so much. I mean I do not even work with an oil company and yet I do not tweet that much. That really aint my business because I know Twitter can be addictive. I know tweeps will get one annoyed and make you want to say things, but I just felt you were more mature than replying every Tom,Dick and Harry that takes a swipe at you. A wise man once said “Give a man money and power and if he remains as humble as he was then he is a real man”. I do not know how much money you have, but I know you have power to a certain degree at least on Twitter, with the number of followers you have. You have been guilty of misusing that power at times.
Not everyone will like you. People take a swipe at you and you go all abusive at them. You insult people who have a different opinion about you and you either retweet or say nice things to those that sing your praises. Grow Up! Only kids act that way.
You are the same person who will flood our timelines with early morning prayers and by midday you are cursing out at someone. What kind of example are setting? What kind of gospel are you trying to show to those who do not believe in Christ? Do you think you can win them over? People are watching.
It is easy to get to the top but it is your character that will keep you there. @Etisalat9ja and @Tontolet made you their ambassador because you have a huge following. What kind of ambassador are you? Will people actually want to relate to the brands you represent with your attitude?
You are one of the reasons why Twitter is not really as fun as it used to be. If you act like this, how will your followers who have you as a role model behave? What kind of role model is egocentric. Check yourself. The way down is long, tiring and lonely.

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23 Comments

Posted by on October 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Weaker Sex? (1)

It was the second saturday of the month. The bar was filled to its capacity. Drinks flowed in excess and the pepper soup was extra-hot. The music from the band was groovy and some people were dancing. It was the open-mic night of the bar, an initiative by the madam that owned the place. The music stopped and the crowd gave the band a round of deafening applause. Just as I was about to get up and go to the stage, an elderly man in his late 50’s went on stage.
” All the ladies in the house give yourself a round of applause”
The ladies responded with applauses loud enough to deafen a day old baby.
“Woman wrapper” sneered one well-fed diner.
“Are you not married to a woman?” sneered his friend
This caused people to laugh.
The man on stage laughed and said “Gentlemen in the house give yourself a round of applause”
“We are the stronger sex, the alpha male” someone said.
The men roared in agreement.
The man on stage looked disappointed.
“Why are we like this?” He asked.
A man in front of me asked “like how?”
“Why do we believe that women are the weaker sex?” the speaker asked.
“Because they are” screamed the bartender.
It took the intervention of some men to stop the women in the house from mobbing the bartender.
“Women are not the weaker sex. They deserve a say in the affairs of the community and the nation at large” someone said.
The speaker nodded in agreement. ” I agree with you, but that is not the point I am trying to make”
“What point are you trying to make?” thundered the crowd.
“Why is there so much violence against women?” the speaker asked.
This caused the crowd to sigh.
“Why should men beat women?”He continued.
“Men who beat women deserve to be castrated” said an old man sitting in a far corner.
The crowd roared in laughter.
The old man went on “I remember in my days, you could not beat a woman and go free. There is always a form of punishment. A man who cannot respect his wife and admit that she is human and emotional is immature.”
There were murmurs of disapproval from the men in the crowd.
“Murmur if you like, but you know its true”
The women echoed their approval.
“This reminds me of the banker who was murdered in cold blood by her husband” said the speaker.
“May her soul rest in eternal peace” a woman said
“Amen” the crowd responded.
” It was brutal and the government has done nothing about it.” the speaker continued.
The old man in the corner said “the government have folded their hands and looked the other way. Is that fair?”
“No” the crowd shouted
” The man has not been charged to court” said someone
“That is not fair” added another woman.
” Is there justice in this country at all?” asked the bartender.
” Yes there is but, you need to have your money or know someone in power” responded the speaker.
” It is because it was not their daughter that was murdered that is why they have refused to do anything about it” the old man in the corner said.
” When will the violence against women stop?” asked the speaker.

(To be continued)

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Posted by on October 3, 2011 in Uncategorized