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Changes

Changes

The year was 2015 and everything was going on fine. A great job, a good enough relationship and a budding relationship with God. I admit, due to my nature, I still felt like I could be doing better and I sometimes put some unnecessary pressure on myself, but looking back at it now, it was an exhausting exercise.

Fast forward to 2017, and I must admit, because of life and its ever-changing circumstances, I have changed. Although they are not drastic changes, they are changes that make me happier as a person and makes life easier.

Cynicism – A wise man once said, when someone advices you, before you accept that advice, see if they stand to benefit anything from that advice. If they do, be wary, if they don’t, still be wary, but at least, you are more certain it is good advice. In the last two years, I have come to terms that I have become cynical. I usually think of what a person would gain from a train of thought before I entertain it. At times, it has proven very helpful and other times, I have been proven wrong. Other times, it is just a precaution. I admit, I have developed some form of trust issues from it but, it doesn’t cloud my judgment because I am still logical about situations.

Openness – They say you should be open with your partner in a relationship to make them comfortable but I have also realised the flaw in this. Your openness just might spook your partner out because they are not ready for that level of honesty. However, that has not stopped me from being open. In fact, I have become more open in the last two years than I have ever been. Open to my loved ones though and not strangers. With openness comes this profound peace of mind and joy. Your yes stays your yes, no stays no. There is no need for explanations since you already kept the people that mattered in the loop.

Money – Two years ago, I could not save money to save my life. I spent as much as I earned. Before you jump to my defence and say I had bills to pay, I still live at home. I was what you call a spendthrift. But, slowly but surely, I discovered the need to save and our secure your savings make you when that emergency comes along. Although you are unhappy about spending that money, but at least, you have the money to even cover that emergency. Although I am not perfect at it (read as parents say I am not perfect at it), I have certainly improved. I look forward to the next two years for all the progress I have made.

Women – If we can’t be seen outside together, I won’t entertain your advances. It is not every woman that is good for you. Some of them will strip you of your every belief and some will build you. Two years ago, it was only about the looks for me. A girl had to be beautiful to pique my interest, but these days, it is more than that. A beautiful face alone no longer cuts it. You should be able to contribute to my life as much as I do yours. Also, background is necessary. It goes a long way.

Food – Bread, corned beef, ketchup and jam was a combination I once had no issues eating. These days, I find myself wary of what I eat. I have become more conscious with what I eat. I have cut down on red meat, processed food and fried food.

These are the major changes in my life in the last two years. What are the changes in your life in the last two years? Share with me in the comment section.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on February 14, 2017 in Rants

 

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In My Solitude

In My Solitude

For as long as I can remember, I have always found comfort in my solitude. Maybe because I am an only child or maybe because I am shy. Whichever one it is, the peace that comes with being alone is something I have always cherished. Don’t get me wrong, I also enjoy spending time with my loved ones and people that matter to me, however, time spent alone is very crucial to me. It is easy to confuse solitude with one not having any friends, but, I do have a reasonable number of friends.

Before I digress, this post is simply about the weird things I do when I am alone. Unique things I do when I am alone. In no order, here they are:

  • Daydream about my lineage – My surname is Adeyi. When alone, I sometimes think of who the first Adeyi was. What he was like, what he did, how he got the name, and so on. I wonder how the name came about since we are children of Abraham and last time I checked, Isaac did not name any of his children Adeyi.
  • Alternate Universe – I will blame this on watching too many sci-fi. I wonder what my alternate is doing in their alternate universe. What are the similarities we have; does he feel the pain I feel and is there some sort of portal for us to connect? I also wonder if he is anything like me. I mean, it will be nice to know.
  • Is Life a Dream? – I also imagine what if I woke up from this giant dream to find out I was in JSS3. Oh the horror! It means I’d have to go through some stuff again. Meet some people again and so on. But then, it will be nice, I’ll know what pitfalls to avoid.
  • Read up on conspiracy theories – Every now and then, I enjoy the unbelievable tales of an occasion or the sequence of isolated events that led to a bigger event. These conspiracies theories though unrealistic at times, open your minds to different possibilities that abounds in the world around you. It also lets you have a fresh perspective to events.
  • This one is a bit unnatural and I contemplated putting it, but, what the hell. For those who follow me on social media (read Twitter), I am fascinated with boobs (read big boobs). I always imagine what it’ll be like to have boobs. To be able to grab and hold them whenever I feel like and not having to wait on someone … LOL! Yeah, I know with big tasks comes big responsibilities, I still would not mind.
  • On a final note, when I am alone, I scream at the top of my voice for no reason. It is therapeutic and I recommend for everyone to try it. It helps release the anger and tension you are harbouring. Try it today.

What are the weird things you do when you are alone? Share with me in the comment section.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on February 13, 2017 in Rants

 

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Bruised

Good evening folks, I trust you are looking forward to the long weekend. I know I am.

Today’s post is a poem I wrote with @goldenwura. She blogs here

Enjoy the poem.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

It came back to me in a rush

Memories of deeds done

Can’t be spoken, mustn’t be muttered

Whispered, can only float in circles

In the streams of thoughts and subconscious

Sharp pain piercing like icicles on a stormy night

 Putrid smells of antiseptic and blood

assail my nostrils and I’m forced to open my eyes

something is blocking the light which is good

the hazy image clears and takes the shape of father’s head

Worry and fear lining his once beautiful eyes

a tug on my finger has me looking into the eyes of my 6 year old brother

mother is nowhere to be found which is just fine

memories are coming and I don’t want to remember

father answers the unspoken questions in my eyes

questions I have answers to

but what he says stops my blood from flowing for 7 seconds

mother is alive? What?

the relief in his voice and eyes as he says something I didn’t pay attention to

makes my blood boil again.

I’m sure it exists nowhere else but our house

Where the wife is the drunk and abuser

Reversed roles if you please and father would do nothing

Wouldn’t even tell his best friend or see someone

For shame, what they would think of him

I ask to go see mother

I pray that she’s sleeping or unconscious so I can

Finish what I started

Chike lied, the poison was ineffective

She should be dead

I creep into her room

Feels like I’ve hit full potential

In bed she lays, unwashed and unkempt

Her dark sunken eyes open

Chapped lips break into a wry smile

She knew.

Incoherent words follow

She winces in pain

Waves of pity ladened with disgust submerge me within

But it disappears as fast as it came

Like a broken dam, my head is flooded with images

Of every single time she hit us

How can you say you love us

Yet hurt us with in every drunken rage

Odd to say she’ll protect us

But the bruises say otherwise

Father walks in

Places his hand on my back

I burst out in tears

We are free, but still in bondage

For vegetable she’ll remain, the rest of her days.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on July 16, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Of Love and Pain

Disclaimer: This post is purely fictional. Any resemblance to any real life situation or event is purely coincidental. It is just a work of my imagination.

He knew he loved her from the moment he saw her. The rain was heavy and there she stood at the bus stop all alone, lost. For a moment he hesitated as it was Lagos and one cannot be too sure, but he took the risk. She also hesitated, but had no choice. She had already flunked the job interview when she refused to show the manager her boobs. Adding to that experience was the rain that had started on her way to the bus stop, she was drenched by the time she got there. It seemed out of place for her to be all alone in a shed during such a heavy downpour, but it was the last thing on her mind.

It was definitely not the hard nipples prominent through her wet blouse that set his pulse racing nor was it the lips that seemed to beg to be dipped in caramel before being kissed. It was her innocent eyes and the way they shone when she said thank you. He could tell from her eyes that at every point in time, she would have something clever to say, but wouldn’t. He felt the earth move when he looked at her, her words held him in a trance when she spoke. He was lost in her presence and nothing could describe those 20 minutes they spent during that drive.
           ………………………………………………………

She gave birth to their daughter. It was a day he would never forget. Though she was born premature, he knew they will dote on her. They finally brought her home after she spent 3 weeks under intensive care, the home was filled with joy. They had a blessing for their union.

It was shocking when on the third day, she stopped breathing. They had left her in her cot and gone to bed. He woke up in the middle of the night just to check on that bundle of joy, but noticed she was not breathing. He woke his wife and like a maniac, he drove to the hospital not minding how many traffic laws he broke. All that mattered was his daughter. She was pronounced dead on arrival, there was nothing to be done. She threw herself on the floor, sprawled, rolled from left to right and cursed the day she was born. She was inconsolable.
             “Why would you let me have a child and take her away from me?” she asked.

He tried his best to hold the tears but they flowed out like a river. He could not bear to see her so distraught, sprawled on the floor and weeping like a baby who had just had their best toy taken away. Her screams could be heard from miles. She had to be sedated and kept under observation at the hospital. He drove home in silence, though he screamed on the inside.
            ………………………………………………………

It was a trial, something they would move on from. It had been six months since their daughter passed. Two months since she returned from the psychiatric hospital. The death had left her devastated. She could not cope but he stayed with her. She was back home but he could feel the distance between them.

She still looked out at the cot as if the baby would miraculously appear in it. She still held on to the clothes in the hope that she would feel her baby’s warmth. It was heart-breaking. She was emaciated. He tried his best to get her to eat but it seemed to make the situation worse. He appealed to her family, they all tried to talk to her but it fell on deaf ears.

He came back from work one day to find her naked on the floor of the kitchen. He feared the worst.

            ………………………………………………………

No news is good news he thought as he sat at the reception of the hospital. At least she had a weak pulse when she found her and there had been no suicide note. He felt relief even in that dire situation.  
    “She was just dehydrated but there will be more scans” the doctor told him.

She was out of danger, he sighed and felt an air of relief blow over him, and it calmed him. He walked into her private ward, and there she was, still with those beautiful eyes that had brought him so much joy and pain. He could remember how she brought tears to his eyes as she walked to him hand in hand with her father the day they got married. It had been a small ceremony with few friends and family.

She smiled weakly at him as she saw him enter. It was her first smile in months. His heart fluttered with joy. All he saw was his wife. The intravenous fluid hanging by her side was a blur, the tubes around her were non-existent to him. He just saw his wife.
           ………………………………………………………

She apologized. But every time she did, it annoyed him and made him die a little bit inside. It was not her fault. Yes, she could have handled it better, but how does one handle the death of an offspring? She cried. He hated to see her cry. Slowly but confidently, they made plans to try again. They would have that bundle of joy but he could tell she was still scarred. Who wouldn’t? He still had nightmares about the night but he had to stay strong for her. They felt reconnected and planned to renew their vows. They had been married for five years.

The phone lit up and her name appeared. He had just thought about her and she called. They were in sync. He would never forget the quivering in her voice that day.
             ………………………………………………………

The news left him numb. Just like that, without warning or premonition, they had to battle cancer. She had been feeling fatigued, bloated and the back pain had been unbearable. She had gone to get tested in the hope of being pregnant.

Stage ІІa ovarian cancer was what she had. The appointment with the doctor left them happy and sad. She was one in seventy-three women to have ovarian cancer, but she had a survival rate of 78%. It was the silver lining in their dark cloud. 78%. 78 became the number of hope and faith.

She started chemotherapy, and slowly, her hair began to fall off. Friends became few as they could not relate with their sufferings. She begged him to shave off her hair and save the torture of watching it fall off. He kissed her bald head when he was done. The tears streamed down their faces as they both whispered 78.
          ………………………………………………………

She had gone into remission for only 2 months before the cancer came back. Her survival rates dwindled has the cancer had spread to other parts of her system. They had weeks or months to spend together.

She had planned to visit Paris before her death, but now, it was not possible. They had depleted their funds, and she was even too weak to fly. He tried to bring Paris to her with the help of a recipe he found. Even though it was disastrous, she loved it. He tried for her. He made an effort for her. They spent each day knowing fully well it could be her last.
           ………………………………………………………

Five weeks after they renewed their vows, she passed on. The vow renewal had been another low key event, just both of them, the priest and their family. It was a preface to the funeral he thought as he stared at her lifeless body in the open casket. Her death was expected but still, he was unprepared for it.  It left him devastated. His wife was gone. His best friend was gone and had felt his world shattered. Words of encouragement flew around like airplanes at a RAF air show. Where were they when it was most needed? They did not choose the battle, it chose them. He buried her and life was never as he knew it. He struggled day in and out.

He knew what he had to do. It did not seem ideal but he had to. He had to feel the same pain she felt. It might not measure up to it, but he had to feel some pain. He went through the pictures of them as the fire he lit in the corner of the bedroom was getting wilder and closer to him. The flames engulfed him and he smiled as he felt the pain.

He was gone.

He would meet her and they would be together again.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on September 29, 2014 in Short Story

 

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Welcome to my Life

Welcome to my Life

“I envy your life” is a statement I have heard a couple of times. Yes, someone’s life might seem all rosy and perfect from the outside, the thousand watts smile they always seem to have when you see them might give you the illusion that everything is okay, but, you never know what people are carrying around or what they have to live with.

I have had it good and cannot even complain. I have parents who love me so much and bother about everything concerning me. I think that comes with the territory of being an only child but at the same time, it is not every only child that gets the kind of life I have had. Don’t get it wrong, I have been given everything I need and not everything I want. My parents have done their very best, sent me to the best of schools, given me things they had to deny themselves of other pleasures of life, and I am forever grateful and indebted to them for that.

It is as a result of this I don’t know how to tell them I don’t think marriage is for me. Have I loved? Yes I have. Have I been hurt? Yes I have been. Have I let go of the hurt? Yes I have. I think I have let go of the hurt but every time things seem to get really serious with a lady, I get that feeling of deja vu.

Sometimes, I think it is the fear of commitment or maybe it is because I am afraid my monster will resurface, or is it because of the various experiences I have heard and witnessed. Experiences of how ladies have treated the guy they were dating. They say not everyone is the same and I believe that, but right now it looks bleak. How does one even know what it feels like when you are with the right person? I might have had that feeling with the first girl I loved, though we destroyed what we had with her infidelity and my anger. I really should not have hit her even though she had cheated on me thrice. I was young, naïve and stupid.

I am not one to talk about my feelings, I communicate better through writing and she understood that. She made us keep a journal. Yes, we were young, but we had this dream of where we wanted to end up. It was clear and I plugged into it. Even after the break-up, a part of me still felt we could have it.

I withdrew after that and I have found it easier talking to a lady and confiding in her when she was just my friend than when we got serious. It feels weird. If I was able to talk to you as a friend, I should talk more to you when we get serious. It is the opposite. I close up and ladies I have gotten close to have complained about it. Am I damaged? Have I really let go? Am I deceiving myself that I have?

Have I missed out on the love of my life because of my temper or my impatience? I guess the impatient part is a story for another day. Right now, I feel confused because soon the questions about who the “lucky girl” is will spring up. How I will handle it I have no idea.

 It is not like there are no women in my life, there are, I just don’t see that future yet. I just don’t see the potentials yet. One feels I am too closed and my laid back approach is a problem for her, the other I feel I can always talk to is from another faith and I am sure my parents would have a problem with that. I don’t want to be the heart-breaker but it seems to be a tag hanging over my head. I have started things and choked midway because I just could not see any future there.

I once read that you don’t have to get married to fulfil your destiny. I agree with that but well, I do not want to be selfish to those who sacrificed everything just to get me to where I am. They gave me a listening ear and it is why I have a voice today.

Would it be right to hurt them with that voice they gave me?

 

 

 
6 Comments

Posted by on February 20, 2014 in Rants

 

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Demons

Demons

War with my demons,

Will I win this tussle?

You don’t help matters,

You wake the beast in me,

My demons feed off it,

They get stronger,

A tad difficult to defeat,

The battle rages on.

 

You were meant to be a solace,

A getaway from trauma,

A resting place,

A fortress.

But alas,

You were trauma itself,

Nothing seemed satisfactory,

Always at my neck.

 

Family warned me,

Friends did,

I turned deaf to their words,

I believed they didn’t get you,

They didn’t know your pain,

Told them you just act out,

Acting out to get my attention.

Seemed cute at first,

But not anymore.

 

 

I am way in deep,

No escape,

No way out.

Trapped.

Trapped with my own consent,

Trapped at will.

 

You’re 7 months along,

I am getting ready,

Ready for a life of pain,

Life of anguish,

Hell on earth.

Left to face my demons,

Who am I kidding?

You are my demon.

 

 

 

 

 

 
10 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Rants

 

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It Ends Tonight (3)

I am so sorry this (concluding) part of the story is coming late. I have been caught up with a lot of commitments. I sincerely apologize for the delay.
I want to thank @ritzyliciousme and @BlueMenthol7 for helping with the editing of this post. Thanks a lot. Also to @zatoothfairy for your continuous words of encouragement and to my number one fan (you know yourself) thanks a lot for those nights you made me write.

People have spoken about fate but I have chosen not to believe it or even talk about it. However, today, fate is the only reason why I am sitting in the office of the wife of the man who made me lose everything. They say you keep your friends close and your enemies closer and that is exactly what I am going to do. I, Frank Ehinomen will be the perfect patient. I will answer whatever question she asks and do whatever she says.
“Good morning Mr Ehinomen” she says
” Good morning Dr. Adedoja” Frank replies gently
” Can I get you anything? ” she presses further
“A glass of water will be good” Frank responds as he adjusts the sleeves of his shirt.
He could not help but notice the peach shaped bottom of his psychologist as she squats to get water from the dispenser. He feels a growing heat in his pants as she slowly came up from her squatting position. She hands him the glass of water and just as she is about to sit, the phone on her desk rings.
” That is my emergency line. I have to take this” Dr. Adedoja says to Frank.
He nods his approval and drinks out of the glass of water. He brings out his Blackberry to quickly respond to messages he might have from his friends.
“Oh my God ! ” she exclaims
Frank is scared and looks towards the desk as he sees her slump into the chair behind the desk. She is nodding her head as the person on the other end of the line continues talking.
” I will be there shortly. Thank you” she says as she concludes the phone call and drops the receiver.
She walks towards Frank, trying her best to compose herself but he could still notices the fact that she is shaking allover.
” I am sorry we cannot have our session today. I have to attend to an emergency” she announced in her shaky voice.
” I hope you are ok?” Frank asks
” Yes I am” Dr Adedoja replies quickly.
“Are you sure?” he probes further.
” I am fine, but could you do me a favour and drop me at the police station?” she says.
The firmness in her tone means she does not want to be quizzed further.
Frank agrees to drop her at the police station because he is sure she cannot drive in her condition. She thanks him as they walk out of her office and she informs her receptionist to reschedule her other appointments for the day.
They get to the police station and Frank drives in and park just to make things easy for her.
” Thank you Mr Ehinomen”. says the doctor
“You are welcome”. He responds, wondering why she is at the Police Station.
” I will call you and set up another session” she adds.
They shake hands as she opens the door and steps out of the car. Frank watches her as she walks into the police station with her hips swaying from side to side.
He starts the engine of the car and turns the steering even as he continues staring at her, a loud bang and the sound of glass breaking brings him back to his senses.
The occupant of the car he smashed into steps out of his car cursing out at him and fuming with anger. Frank steps out of the car to apologize to him only to find out it is him. The man whose car he smashed into is the man who made him lose everything. He is Mr Adedoja, his late fiancée’s boss.

To be Continued????

 
19 Comments

Posted by on April 12, 2012 in Series

 

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