Dear Future Wife

25 Oct

DISCLAIMER: This post is the mischievous work of my imagination. However, it may or may not express my true opinions.

#NoteToSelf In your next life try not to be the only child.

The idea of me getting married has been thrown around my house one too many times in the past few months. The whole talk of you do not marry because of beauty,(Guess they will not mind me marrying a Gorilla) blah,blah,blah. I sat down (or did I?) to think about those things I may or may not want from my future wife.

Dear Future Wife,
I know you are somewhere, with someone, busy and trying to be the best at what you do and leave your footprints in the sand of time(I hope you want this). Hopefully you get to read this because it may as well prepare you for our life together. Here are some of the things I expect of you.
1.Thou Shall Know How to Cook

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach(weird). You need to know how to cook. It is as complusory as the air we breath. I cannot imagine us having to live on fast food or mama put.You are at risk of losing me to a woman who can cook if you cannot.

2. Thou Shall Give Head

You may or may not be on Twitter. This issue however has been overflogged there. You really need to know how to give head.It makes sex more interesting for us.Its for those days we are tired and do not want to go through the rigour of thrusting in and out but we just want to take the edge off. Do not worry, I will definitely take a bath before you do such and I will return the favour.

3. Thou Shall Not Tie Wrapper in My House.

I know it seems cool to tie wrapper because you have seen your mum do it or your elder ones, maybe your aunties but that is not going to happen in our house. The wrapper apart from hiding that wonderful body of yours, kills my libido as it will only remind me of old women. Bum shorts with tank tops, bikini are highly welcome and so is walking nude round the house(till we have kids).

4.Thou Shall Have Something Doing

God created woman to be a helping hand. This makes you an asset and not a liability. Due to this you can forget about been a housewife. If that was ever your plan,kindly draw up another one. No matter how rich I am, you must have something doing.

5.Thou Shall Be A Fan of Man Utd (or at least football)

Just as I know I have shown interest in things you do(which I see as crap) please try and understand the game of football. This way if my team loses(1-6 aint gonna happen ever again) you will understand why I am down and cheer me up instead of saying its just a game. You being a Man Utd fan will the icing on the cake.

6. Thou Shall Tell Me What I Have Done Wrong or At Least Give Hint

I am not perfect(neither are you) and therefore from time to time I will annoy you or do something to annoy you. Instead of squeezing your face and giving me mono-syllabic replies or silent treatment, please just tell me what I have done. By doing so, I will make it up to you fast and with an expensive gift and move on, instead of making both of us sad.

Finally, there is no crime in us buying a material and sewing it. The crime is in us wearing it at the same time.We are married and not school children neither are we blind. You re to simply wow with your dressing.
Let me not chase you away, we will talk about things better when we eventually meet. Then, we will understand better. Incase you are dating any guy that is not me, kindly dump him fast and make yourself available for me to woo.
Yours Sincerely,
Your Husband.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.


Posted by on October 25, 2011 in Rants


9 responses to “Dear Future Wife

  1. Gloria

    December 18, 2012 at 2:15 am

    This is fucking hilarious and VERY true.

  2. Adepitan olufunmie

    October 28, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    #DearFutureHusband… I shouldn’t be stressd when am carrying our baby. In other words,you will do the dishes for 9months so as not to make our baby disabled! I need to be treated like an egg remember? Oh and also, we would also Ɠ☺ clubbing, seperately ofcourse and without wearing our rings too so as to spice up our marriage by learning from other people in other to avoid early divorce. Am not in a hurry to meet you tho! (←_←)(→_→)#okbye!

  3. MafabaAlaso

    October 26, 2011 at 9:28 am

    *sniffs sniffs* what’s cooking in here???
    T & K, pls what’s cooking in here cos I think I can see u both in the kitchen #okbye *now runnin to Libya*

  4. jeunebelle

    October 26, 2011 at 1:09 am

    Lmao great work yeh? I think so too. If however you are interested in #dearfuturewife’s reply, you can like to check

  5. Wale Adenuga

    October 25, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Yes ke! iMusto comment! #dearFutureWife read this post, and comply to every statement, apart from d ManU ish part…..#TeamChelsea and iwont giv head back, am sorry….#okbye

  6. ayojoibukun

    October 25, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Hahahaha sir weyrey!! Well #dearfuturewife of mine also come to dis blog and read!! Funny enough all these criteria u MUST meet and yeah I’m also a ManUtd Fan!! 😉 nice piece brov!!

  7. ΦƪυΨȧdμƦœϯέαϻ϶ (@Roteame)

    October 25, 2011 at 10:42 am

    #DearProspectiveHusband I love ur list. Thank God u dint say nothing about not having sex with other people… i’d av totli disregarded this list and moved on to my next pole n client *iMean can u imagine having sex with one person till death… yeah its as ridiculous as it sounds*. Anyhoo be good yo. Meet u soon.

    Yours Faithfully (stifles laughter)
    Wife *wink*

    Nice post bro (Y).

  8. @temmithayor

    October 25, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Tolu! Nyc writeup,but u knw u r Sick sha

  9. ilove2read

    October 25, 2011 at 9:06 am

    LWKMD……. Dude u re just crazy!


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